Stitches
by Scarpaw
Summary: Though many of them forget, Yosano was a licensed doctor before agreeing to work for the Agency.


Hahaha, it's been a while since my first BSD thing, hasn't it? This isn't as much of a YosanoxRanpo piece as my other work, but there are still hints of it! I hope you guys enjoy.

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Bungou Stray Dogs**

 _ **Stitches**_

 _Though many of them forget, Yosano was a licensed doctor before agreeing to work for the Agency._

It starts, as all things at the Agency are wont to do, with Ranpo. Or, at least, an inciting incident with Ranpo as the focal point for some reason or another. (And true, they all had to agree, that the person who caused the most problems had shifted from Ranpo to Atsushi since he started at the Agency, but Ranpo currently still held the record for most incidents overall.)

It's a long story that Yosano truly does not wish to hear. And she doesn't! As soon as the three bleeding boys (yes, two of them are grown ass men, but when they make stupid decisions that cause injuries they automatically revert to idiotic toddlers in her mind) stumble over the threshold of her infirmary Yosano claims deniability. Whatever Ranpo, Atsushi, and Dazai (and isn't that one of the _most_ bizarre combinations she's seen yet) did to get them so bloodied and beat up is their business and can stay that way. All she needs (and wants) to know is where the injuries are.

Unsurprisingly, Ranpo's the worst off of the trio - Yosano has no doubt that the majority of the blood covering the three of them probably originated from the pale, woozy looking twenty-six-year-old. Of course, some of it probably originated from the other two as well. Atsushi is lucky, with his _Moonlight Tiger_ Ability he has amazing regenerative capabilities that make _Thou Shalt Not Die_ completely unnecessary; he looks as if whatever scuffle they encountered left him completely unharmed. Dazai has a couple scrapes, and a bloody nose that she's certain was caused by some lady he propositioned for suicide rather than an actual fight. She decides he can suffer.

Ranpo, however...

Yosano isn't sure if he simply took the most damage, Atsushi and Dazai encountered him being beat up, or if Atsushi and Dazai saw Ranpo getting beat up and decided to add two more to the pile. Still she does her best to affirm that she _does not want to know._

"What, did you guys help beat up Ranpo?" She can't help but comment sarcastically though as she takes stock of the injuries. Ranpo, too, has a bloody nose, and there's a rip in his coat that he's holding closed that Yosano's fairly certain houses the fountain that's spewing blood all over him.

"Well –" Atsushi starts to answer her, and Yosano cuts him off nigh instantaneously.

"Stop right there." She orders him. "I don't actually want to know." Yosano turns back towards Ranpo.

"Move your hand." Yosano says, not really wanting to deal with the noncompliance she's inevitably going to receive.

"I'm fine," Ranpo replies in what, quite frankly, is a bratty noncompliant tone of voice. "It's just a scratch, it'll stop bleeding on its own."

"Sure it will," Yosano deadpans, not even needing to glance towards Atsushi who is undoubtedly furtively disagreeing with Ranpo's statement. She settles back in the seat by the bedside where Ranpo is sitting, crossing one leg over the other. "It's okay, I can wait." Yosano has the patience of, well, a doctor when it comes to treating patients. She also has the sadism of an MP interrogator when it comes to treating them as well, but those two are completely unrelated.

Most members of the Agency actively avoid the infirmary, doing their best not to get injured out on cases, or even just in general. Yosano doesn't blame them, as she is able to admit that sometimes her bedside manner tends to be lacking to say the least.

She and Ranpo stare off in silence. If Ranpo would prefer to pass out due to blood loss that's not Yosano's problem. She did her best to get Ranpo to comply, now it is simply a battle of wills to see who will crack first.

And the person who cracks first, apparently, is neither of them.

Instead, it's Atsushi, who Yosano has admittedly forgotten was still in the room to begin with.

"Ranpo, just show her the wound!" Really, Atsushi isn't panicking, but he does pull at Ranpo's hand with a level of anxiousness that is just below panic.

Finally, Ranpo relents, his hand being pulled away from the slash that runs up his arm. It doesn't look too deep, but it does run the length of Ranpo's forearm, looking like a nice jagged cut. Probably caught it against something running away from or after someone.

"Definitely needs stitches," Yosano says, pulling away from the boys to get supplies from the cupboard. A needle, thread, anesthetic, and, as she thinks about it, "Should give you a tetanus shot as well." And by 'should' she means that she will, already pulling it out.

"Take your coat off." She adds as an afterthought as she roots around for everything she needs.

"Stitches?" Ranpo and Atsushi echo behind her, accompanied with something that suspiciously sounds like a childish slap-fight accompanied by muffled chuckling.

"I thought you were just going to use _Thou Shalt Not Die_ ," Atsushi says, sharing a look with Ranpo, very obviously confused.

" _Thou Shalt Not Die_ can only be used on someone who's already half-dead," Yosano sighs as if that was glaringly obvious, returning to her spot by Ranpo. His coat is draped next to him, and someone's already taken the liberty of rolling up his sleeve for her. "And, as shocking as it may seem, I actually did go to medical school. My ability isn't the _only_ thing that qualifies me to act as the Agency's doctor." She takes a medical wipe, cleaning away blood from the wound.

"That's right," Ranpo agrees, even though he had appeared just as shocked as Atsushi that Yosano wasn't going to be using her ability on him. "Your MD would say otherwise."

"Damn straight it does." Yosano tells him, before saying, "You'll feel a slight pinch." She slides the needle under his skin, administering anesthetic around the area before stitching the skin back together. The strained face Ranpo makes tells her that he can at least feel the pull of the stitches as she does his work, but he doesn't yank his arm away or complain, so Yosano keeps working.

"All right," She says as she ties off the last stitch. "You just need a tetanus shot and then you're free to laze about like usual."

"Ah, I think the tetanus shot is unnecessary." Ranpo replies quickly, moving to stand up.

"No way." Yosano grabs Ranpo's hand before he can fully stand up, yanking him back down into his seat. "You are not leaving this infirmary until you've had a tetanus shot."

"I don't want it." Ranpo refuses, attempting to pull from Yosano's grip to escape.

"I don't care." Yosano rebuts, not releasing Ranpo.

"It's not necessary!"

"I don't know what the hell you cut your arm on, _you're getting a tetanus shot._ "

"I don't like needles!"

"I just stuck you with one _ten times!"_

It turns into a childish squabble, both Agency members in a physical and metaphorical battle of tug of war. Neither are refusing to let up, and it seems for a moment that they have reached a stalemate. Then,

"For the love of-" Yosano scowls irately, yanking Ranpo back down one last time. This time, once he's down, Yosano straddles him, forcing him to stay down. A parody of a lover's cradle, once situated Yosano forces Ranpo's shirt sleeve up further, before stabbing him in the shoulder with the needle and depressing the plunger.

"That _hurt_." Ranpo whines as she removes the needle, raising a hand to rub at his shoulder.

"Stop being a baby." Yosano replies coldly. "I'm fairly certain that the ten stitches you got was worse than that one little tetanus shot."

"No way," He protests, "You've obviously never gotten a shot in your life."

"Trust me," Yosano says, leaning closer, practically growling the words, "I have given and received several shots before. You're being a baby. What do you want me to do, kiss it better?"

Their noses are practically touching at this point, staring one another down. Sarcasm is heavily implied with the last part, but immediately after the words leave Yosano's mouth, Atsushi, who she admittedly forgot was still there, pipes up.

"Um, okay, well, we'll just be going then." He says awkwardly, and Yosano turns to look and remembers, oh yeah, Dazai's still there as well, watching them with the same placid smile he always wears, eyes crinkled shut with amusement. Dazai doesn't say anything to Yosano or Ranpo as he allows Atsushi to drag him out of the infirmary, but he does pick on Atsushi's embarrassment as they go.

"Actually, I do want you to kiss it better," Ranpo answers as soon as the infirmary door slams shut behind the other two detectives, Yosano looking back at him. There's a wicked smile perched on his lips, like a cat who just got the cream or a chess master who achieved checkmate.

"Go to hell." Yosano responds, pushing him down, and climbing off of him. She goes and disposes of the needle, ignoring Ranpo as he whines about her harsh treatment.

If Ranpo wants her to kiss him, he can kneel at her feet and _beg_ her to.

* * *

 _Please read and review~!_


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